Monday, October 09, 2017


Am meant to fly out to Greece in a few hours. Not organised at all. Gonna run out of funds before its over.

My Lolly had a stroke last Saturday. One of my old NMM friends, the guy I went to Rome with earlier this year. I had a message on Wednesday from G another mutual friend, he had a message from an unknown number saying that Lolly was in the hospital in intensive care.
Tried to text Lolly, no answer, suddenly remembered that he'd not contacted me after I wished him happy birthday which is most unlike him.
Messaged a few friends, just casual. "hey have you seen Lolly, he's ignoring me!"
Found out in intensive care after a suspected stroke. Not expected to make it. No one knew where he was and no one had run around to find out.
I rang the QE, tried QM and then remembered that they don't have A and E, told another friend that it was a suspected stroke. He suggested the Kings College as they have specialist care there for stroke victims.
Rang through, such a drama as I couldn't remember his birthday or address but we got there. I rang back after work to check permission had been given to visit.

He was awful. Huge swollen closed eye, half his head shaved, other half hair sticky with sweat, hooked up to all the beepy machines and drips you see in movies. I was prepared for bad but that was awful. G held it together until we left before he broke down. I rang around everyone I could think of. No he doesn't want visitors to see him like this. Yes he was talking ok, but drowsy.
We went back the next day. Pretty similar. We didn't stay long as he's clearly very tired.

Went back up Saturday as paragliding was cancelled yet again. Moved out of critical care ward. Met his Mum for the first time! He's short and quiet, we were probably overwhelming him, mocking the hospital food that he was trying to eat.
He cannot yet move one side of his body but his eye was open and he looked less swollen. I'm still not sure of timeframe, but the latest one is that he was ill Friday (his birthday) got out of bed, fell. possibly had a stroke as he fell. They thought anaemia first of all. Went to one hospital, then another. Then ended up in Kings. Had another seizure/stroke there Saturday night.
The pressure on his skull was growing. They operated Tuesday to remove part of his skull to help combat this.

Now he's dry heaving constantly, vomiting. They're doing  CAT scans and endoscopies to see what the cause is.

Heartbroken for him. He's like a brother to me as they all are. Just holding on to all the improvements I saw in 4 days and hoping that in 2 weeks he will be alright.

Sunday, October 01, 2017

In the end it went right down to Monday Morning for the Physio to give me the all clear.
I was under strict instructions not to run ANY of it, to use common sense about what obstacles to tackle and what ones to avoid and be tactical and rest at each stop.

Mrs Spaniel also was instructed not to pull me over (she ignored this - twice). and to take it easy as she has lost a bit of fitness as we've not been able to go out and about as normal.

It was incredibly muddy!! Some of the challenges the mud was up to my waist and dogs were given to the volunteers for their own safety.

My cunning plan of putting my contacts in, failed when I reached the venue and realised that - yes I did still have my glasses on. I weighed up the options of losing them/breaking them/adding blindness to my list of injuries and blindness won out.

This had the the added problem of not really being able to see where was safe to put my feet. My team mates were awesome and kept pace with me and another friend who suffers from back problems all the way around.

Mrs Spaniel (now that I have recovered from the pulling me over incidents) has been getting a lot of praise today - and allowed to sleep on the bed last night! She was an absolute star!
She did get a bit of separation anxiety when left with the stewards and fretted (noisily) about my safety as I attempted challenges.

Two challenges she was clearly quite frightened of. 

This tunnel was quite long, dark and pretty deep for a Spaniel (it wasn't that bad all the way through, just at the exit!) I asked her if she wanted to come, she considered it and then decided it was too much for her. She hovered at the end of the tunnel whining at me as I started to crawl through and I said to the steward to let her go as she would follow my teammates and their dogs. 
I'm told that she started to do this, then hesitated again, headed back to the tunnel start. Took a deep breath and tentatively followed me.

For the other again she was offered the opportunity to come into the large inflatable pool and go over the trampolines, into the water and back out again but once she saw the water she changed her mind. Again I handed her to the steward and started to scramble over.
I'm guessing she must have fretted, pulled and then the steward at the other end who was helping me out asked if that was my dog.

She'd got herself so far and then courage let her down and she was unable to get down and out the other end - naturally I carried her over and out and another big cuddle and lots of praise. 

Lots of love for my little dog. She had a whale of a time with her dog friends, getting lots of pats and cuddles from the stewards and a long exciting walk. Tail wagging all the way around. She's not the bravest dog in the world so to see her attempt everything, even if she just didnt want to be separated from me is really touching!

She's been absolutely shattered since. I've still got mud on me, I'm bruised, mystery scrapes all over my boobs, nettle stings up my arms and feeling very stiff and sore today but I'm so glad we did it. Very well organised with lots of water for dogs and people to support us all the way through with poo bag handovers, looking after dogs and taking photos. 

Now one week to go until my holiday that I cant really afford!

Sunday, September 24, 2017

My week back at work has gone ok. The first day back - God it hurt! I did wonder if i'd been back a bit early but the rest of the week has been ok.

Physio again tomorrow and i'm hoping they tell me i'm ok for the muddy dog challenge and the holiday.

I did try to ride today. I can only manage a short burst as I can feel it pulling on my hamstring but good news! I did have a little movement in my ankle and knee to do things.

Its been a full on weekend for myu poor leg in all fairness. I attempted the 4 miles of Lullingstone which we normally do in an hour and a half at our slowest. This took us over two hours and I was pretty ruined by the end but at least we got around which is all good news for the sponsered walk!

Training with the dog as well as riding and I was so knackered! out of the house from 8.30-2.30.

Made some cakes and really just spent the day mooching. It was nice to get ourselves back to something like our normal routine at last.

Now i've just booked the hotel for my stay in Santorini and the ferries I need. All that's left is to book the hotel back in Athens and the ferry back there but I'm losing the will to live looking for hotels so we'll try that tomorrow.

Felt a bit lonely this weekend. I kinda wonder how it'd be if I was the one to make the move on One Night Stand guy. Would that make my loneliness worse driving back from Gravesend after that quick fuck? Probably. The whole casual sex thing I can do and that's fine but what I really want is what most people want really and that's companionship.

Monday, September 18, 2017

I didn't blog last week as I didn't really do much. I got to see a Physio though! Given lots of exercises and there's been some improvement in a week alone!
Was signed off for the week and mostly spent it sat at home. Mother came back Friday and we went to Bromley
Anyway One Night Stand guy got in touch and yeah I ended up having quick sex at his before I went to a dog comp on Saturday. While I appreciate him letting me know its purely sex I'd prefer it if he didn't drum it in repeatedly that he doesn't want to date me and it was a casual thing.
Is it wrong to say I'm using him like he is using me? We kinda did the casual thing once a long time ago (remember BB?) and it did kinda end tits up but I'm a different person than I was all those years back.
And the main key to sanity is remembering to not over think it and play it for what it is/was. It might happen again. It may not. Either way it was an experience!

Sunday, September 03, 2017

Been so utterly, utterly fed up over the last week.

My leg is ruined. It goes from buckling on me to being reasonable. I went and got it checked out on Tuesday and they don't/can't see anythnig really wrong with it but have referred me to physio.
I wasn't to ride, or walk or really do anything on this week off from work. Which ruined all my plans.
I got the car MOT'ed which cost me 70 quid which did put me into a bad mood until I realised that they had cleaned it for me. The local car cleaners here refuse to do it and I drive to Bromley and it costs me about 40 quid to be done properly, seeing as I had that as my plan before it went in on Wednesday I consider that I am the real winner and it only cost me 30 quid (doesn't seem that bad really!)

I was going to see CL who is now on child 2!! as her and UDOBF (was that his full acronym? I can't remember now and i'm too lazy to check) were in Windsor except child no1 apparently vomited and ruined their car on Thursday. I had already set off by then so we went to Bluewater instead and I bought myself a lime green bikini for my holiday for a bargain 15 pounds!
Of course these two days of activity ruined my leg for Friday and quite honestly knackered me so I've had a lot of naps.

Dog and I were at a comp over the bank holiday and I had to get someone else to run her but we did get two 3rd places which is awesome.

I've booked some hotels for my holiday which is now 1 month and 5 days away and have already blown this months pay packet... ~I get paid in 19 days. Eeeep.

So fed up of this nagging ache in my leg, stressed about what i'll come into on Monday (although luckily there's only a week until she's away on her holiday for two weeks (and then two weeks till mine!!)

So frustrated as I feel i've achieved nothing with this week off. Resting it hasn't even helped fix my leg! I currently have so much supportive tape on it!

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Well I've officially fucked my leg. Did too much on Monday. Saturday was our fun day and was on my feet all day then. Had to bounce down the stairs on my arse sunday as leg didn't want to bend.
Hamstring now. Sigh.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I just realised I'm being fucking ghosted or whatever the kids call it nowadays.
I sent him a funny story about how someone from one of his favourite bands got left behind at a supermarket.

I dont harass him all the time. Fuck no. I sent him a message two weeks ago saying that I missed being friends. Nothing. I get that. That's ok. He knew I was drunk, perhaps he thought it best.
A message a week before that, he replied briefly. He had messaged me the day before. And then the week before that.
We're friends and I get that. I wish we could be best friends still and I get why we can't. But how can you just stop talking to someone you spoke to everyday for 10 years?

We speak briefly perhaps weekly in the year or so its been. He has friends he speaks to on a daily basis what with What's App and FB messenger and that.

Well I've had it made abundantly clear what with the lack of birthday greetings. Fuck you Welshy. Fuck you and it hurts more than I thought it would. This is what I was terrified off when he left me in Russia. This is what I've been preparing for, for the last year.